Facedown......

This is one of my favorite worship singers.... Matt Redman. I think I own every single recording that he's put out - I just simply love his worship style.
This is a song called "Facedown" from the album of the same name.

Have a great Sunday.






<3
Cindy

It's been a hard week.....

I had this massive post all written up, but I thought it wasn't quite vague enough. So I'll just say that this past week has been quite emotional. I haven't cried this much since I was at the Toronto Christian Fellowship School Of Ministry way back in the day! (And that's saying a lot, since back then I didn't wear mascara, since I didn't see the reason to put it on when I'd just cry it off anyways!)

But, it is starting to look up. I have determined in my own heart to take a step back, and I am feeling good about it. There is a very fine line (at least for me) between wanting to do something and falling into doing it out of obligation and duty. Is that clear as mud??? (LOL)
I have discovered that I've been doing things at my church - like the Nursery, and committing to ladies things - more out of a sense of duty and obligation rather than wanting to. The fact of the matter is - I don't always want to go to Bible Study. The past 6 bible study nights, I've consistently said "I don't want to go tonight. I want to stay home." but yet I keep on going because I feel guilty for not going. How lame is that!!!! It's a freaking bible study!!!! All we do is watch a video!!!
So, as I've said - I've determined in my heart to take a step back and to gain some much needed perspective.
What are my priorities? What is my treasure? What do I value?
My priorities are my hubby, my children, me. My treasure is me. I value many things, but in this season of my life, I just want to slow down. Have a breather.
The group of ladies that I do the bible study with are getting reading to finish our current study of "Believing God" by Beth Moore, and are gearing up to do a study by Joyce Meyer (I'm not sure which one). I'm going to bow out of the Joyce Meyer one..... I've tried to listen to her teaching, and I just don't appreciate it at all, and I don't feel that this is what I'm supposed to commit to.
Maybe God has something else for me to learn.

And I have to hand in my resignation for the Nursery..... I don't look forward to it, but I feel that it's necessary. It's not a "knee-jerk" reaction to what transpired over the last week, but something that has needed to happen for a while now. I need a break. I am burning out, and I don't want that to happen again. Been there, done that, don't recommend that.

I think there's a vast difference between the churches that we all attend here on earth, and the Church of God..... They never seem to look the same. The church seems to be the hurt leading the hurt - the blind leading the blind, deaf and mute.
The Church seems to be this self-assured, BELOVED of God...... I've read all the books, and I think the Church of God is magnificent, and breathtaking in her beauty. Absolutely breathtaking.

So, Missy - you don't need to worry about me anymore..... I do wish that I lived across the street from you - you have no idea how much I'd like that. (Oh - to have no snow, a beach closer than an 8 hour drive away, and no concept of what "wind chill factor" is - but there's bugs and snakes and cowboys - oh my!)
But weirdly enough, God seems to want me in Okotoks. Home of the Big Rock.

I'm not sure why, but I'm sure I'll find out.....
C.

My youngest at Christmas Time

Hap-hap-happy.... oh never mind....

Don't you find that New Year's Eve is like the BIGGEST sham going for grownups? It's like our own version of Santa...... We build it up to be this night of mythical proportions and EVERY YEAR, I am stuck either changing a shitty diaper or doing the freaking dishes.

Yeah, Happy New Year to you, too, sucka!!! *laughing*

So yeah! It's a new year, it's a new month (I got to change my calendar - now it's a picture of a cute penguin), and I got to take down the Christmas decorations! Woo, hoo!!! I was so ready to take down the tree and get my family room back to "normal" (normal being, of course, strewn with Buzz Lightyear and Polly Pocket toys and Thomas trains.... :) ). All of it is put away for the next Christmas.

I was watching a great special tonight on CMT (shhhh!!! Don't tell anyone I watch CMT - my street cred would be shot!) and lo and behold..................................
It was Jann Arden. One of Canada's greatest secrets. She is quite possibly the funniest the most entertaining person I have ever seen. (Even funnier than me!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9bKN_PxqJc
Man..... I love Jann. SO freaking funny!!!!!

And, my friend Missy, put a post on her blog about her kids rocking out to some metal tune (I was never a metal head in my younger, more hipper days), I showed it to my hubby and I think he felt a little better about our oldest son knowing the words to "Baby Got Back".....
I just smile and nod.

Well, have a great night! I'm off to go to bed at a half decent time tonight (I've been up late waaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy too much lately, and my body's all screwed around).
G'night!

I thought nights were supposed to get better as they age....

I had this fantastic, witty post all roughed in my head for what I was going to write. And then, like every other time, my own personal reality reared it's ugly head yet once again.... Therefore giving me abundant material from which to glean. *grin*
So, I went shopping yesterday at Chinook Center (http://www.chinookcentre.com/index.php) - quite possibly the biggest mall that I will go to. I'm sure there's bigger, but I have a little self-respect and I choose not to go there. (Seeing as I hate shopping and all...)
So I dropped off Hubby's coat at Danier Leather (the best leather store around) (www.danier.com) to get a new liner put in to replace the old, shredded one. Then, I hot-footed it over to Addition Elle (Canada's answer to Lane Bryant) (http://www.1-plus.com/AE_stcVVcatId487088VVviewcat.htm) and got me a cute new winter coat to replace my nasty Telus one.... It's white with a little black detailing and a reddish-pink cording detail..... I looked on the AE website, and couldn't find it. But, originally, it was priced at $169.99, then they ever-so-generously *insert eye roll here* marked it down $10, to $159.99. I got it for 50% off the lowest ticketed price. SCORE!!!!! It's cute, it's functional, and it FITS!!!
Yay, yay, yay!!!

So, I had all that time yesterday, wandering around the mall by myself!!!!, and I came home to my 4 children.

Now, for those people who read this and still have little babies that are getting up a few times a night - I am so sorry to disillusion you. But I honestly thought (like the naive Pollyanna that I can be at times) that when your kids learn to sleep through the night, you were now a resident of Easy Street.
Yeah - not so with us...... :(

Lately, we've had the stomach flu meandering around our family, and it likes to only get 1 person sick at a time. (Like the stomach flu generally does) And, lucky me - they usually get sick in the middle of the night. (Isn't that they way it usually goes?)
So my oldest Daughter got it a few weeks ago. Then it wandered over to my youngest daughter. Now my oldest son has it - and he threw up all over his brand new bed sheets and comforter that he got for Christmas. *sigh*
And then, my oldest daughter had horrible nightmares about this voice that repeats itself and increases in volume.... So I woke up at 4 am to my oldest daughter bawling her eyes out.
Great. I love waking up like that...... NOT!

So, I am stuck at home with 4 disagreeable kids today - I can't even make a break to the Library today! Bummer!
But I am just hoping that everyone feels better soon - I am so sick and tired of everyone being sick and tired.
Toodles! Off to do pukey laundry now!

Happy Boxing Day!

Okay, I feel really bad that I haven't posted in a while, but I am quite tired, so this will be a quickie.... 'kay?

Well I hope y'all had a great Christmas that was full of the love of God. I had a Christmas where I was spoiled ROTTEN!!!! YEAH!!! My Christmas was really good, but it's totally set our bedtime schedule outta whack. *Hence the reason I'm tired....*

Just wanted to let you all know out there in Cyberspace that no, I am not dead. Just really lazy!!!

TTYL!

Well, this has been one of the strangest periods of my life, I swear. (And I've been thru lots of weird stuff so I believe myself to be a bit of an expert on this...)
I just really feel bothered for a lack of a better term with my role in life. Don't get me wrong..... I love who I am, I love what I do. I am a damn good mum and a kick-ass wife. I"m not talking about that sort of role though.
I'm talking about my role - my purpose, my passion - what I do to eternally impact others around me in a way for Jesus.
Ever since my last post when I was so devastatingly pruned by the Lord, I've felt so empty. So barren. So fruitless.
And I guess I'm coming ot the cold hard truth of the matter which is - I don't want to be that way. I want to be a fruitful, productive person. I want to be caring, loving, compassionate. I want to move into what the Lord has for me. I want to live out my dreams. (Aaaaaaannnnndddd, she lived happilyeverafter. The end.)

Now, don't laugh, but deep down inside, I've always wanted to write big thick books. I love books. I ADORE books. I love the power of the written word to move you, to inspire you, to move you to tears, to jostle you towards something.
As I got older and discovered that no, not everyone dreams of being a writer, and that there really are very few writers actually out there that make a decent living from their pens (or computers, as it turns out...) I thought I'd reduce my dream just ever-so-slightly, just to make it attainable. I would become a librarian. *cue trumpet fanfare* Yeah. Good luck on finding out info on how to get that degree from University! I've been searching for quite some time!

I guess what I brought that up for is this.... I was doing my bible study homework tonight, and the theme of this week is "I Am Who God Says I Am.". Interesting topic, right???? Yeah - well, who DOES God say that I am? Am I just a mother? A wife? A laundress? A cook? A friend? A person who works in the Nursery at church? A Christian?
Why do all my hopes and dreams keep on coming full circle to writing? And why is God forcing me out of the cocoon of my house so that I have to deal with and open up to people? (It so scares me! The potential for rejection is massive!) I don't want to open up to people. Emotions are messy things, not easily explainable. Not easily forgotten. Not easily mourned. Exhausting.

So see my conundrum? I feel pulled to writing, but it feels like God is sticking me in a community and is expecting me to share, to open up. I don't like it!!! People don't believe me when I say that I'm an introvert..... They are fooled by my out-going mask that I've gotten oh-so-good at wearing. I hate dealing with emotions. I hate talking about feelings. I'd rather be at home, by myself, than be out at a party. I'd rather be at the dentist than be at a party.
I guess I'm not sure where this post is headed - I feel that it's very disjointed and all over the place. I'm pulled with complete longing to one side, of quiet, of solitude. But I feel prodded towards the other side - of the messiness that can sometimes be human relationship, of noisiness, of laughter, of community.
I do want so badly to be on the quiet side, but I sense not yet. (Which makes me sad)

Oh God....... Show me which way to go. Give me the courage to follow your leading, for I lack it. Give me the desire to obey. Please don't let it hurt too much......