The Hour When We Reappear...

When it's late at night, and everyone is in bed and the house is silent except for the dog snoring and the cats running around pretending like they are "valiant hunters" *snicker*, I find that I rediscover Me.
It's quiet.
I plug in my iPod (God bless Apple!).
I hit "shuffle songs".
And somehow, magically, I come back to myself.
The cares of the day/week/month/year peel off slowly, like a winter coat and all of it's trappings.
Somehow, I find myself doing something mindless in the kitchen (like cleaning out the plastics cupboard) and like a mist that rolls in slowly, there I am. I see Me.
Not the Me who is a mummy.
Or a wife.
Or a daughter dealing with a difficult parent.
Or a daughter-in-law who constantly has to turn the other cheek and forgive.
Or a sister who has to appease all sides.
Or a friend who "has all the spiritual answers".
Or even a dayhome provider who loves kids who aren't her own.

I see Me.
The Me who used to listen to her Sony Walkman and would WALK for hours (or until my batteries wore out) all over the city where I grew up.
I remember walking late at night, with barely enough light to see where I was walking.
I remember walking down prairie roads that yawned endlessly, with the stars twinkling overhead.
I remember walking away from home so I wouldn't say something that I would later regret.
I remember walking to school.
I remember feeling like some artists peeked into MY life to write their songs - like Sarah McLachlan, and Jann Arden.
I remember thinking that I wanted to strive to have the life that inspired songs like what Harry Connick Jr was singing about.

The Me who was so afraid all the time about the future and things that were out of my control. The Me who would get so stressed out around the holidays that I would end up with cold sores from the stress.
The Me who was so conflicted about what kind of a person did I want to be when I grew up?
The Me who was convinced that a simple matter as choosing Keds over Converse high top sneakers was a PIVOTAL moment in my development.
The Me who didn't know what kind of a woman I wanted to be. (Because all the women around me weren't too impressive of role models...)
The Me who was positive that no one would want to marry me, and I'd end up alone with just my cat for company.
The Me who dared to be different, to be an individual, who was not a cookie cutter teen.
The Me who didn't do things like everyone else.
The Me who worked her arse off in high school so I could afford to go to Germany on a 3 month student exchange trip.
The Me who was the percussionist/drummer.
The Me who was passionate (albeit completely misguided) about her faith/religion.

It's a brief flash of myself in the mirror of time, but it's enough to make me nostalgic and foolish enough to stay up way later than I ought to, just to try to catch one more elusive glimpse of myself.

But it makes me think - would 15 year old Me like 33 year old Me? Maybe, maybe not. 15 year old Me might think that I had copped out by marrying early and having kids and relinquishing My freedom.
33 year old Me would see the insecurity and unloved mantle that 15 year old Me carried belligerently as a defense mechanism from all those years of being rejected, cast aside and made to feel less than important.
33 year old Me would probably weep for 15 year old Me.
How far I've come.
From unloved to loved.
From almost crippled by fear to being completely ruled by anxiety and fear, to living a freer life.
From depressed to joyful.
From alone to surrounded by loved ones (sometimes loudly surrounded too!).
From thinking that marriage was a compromise where no one is ever happy to finding the love of my life and my best friend all rolled into one person.
From feeling misunderstood to someone finishing my sentences for me.
From feeling ugly all the time to saying "I look pretty cute today.".

And slowly.... The mist recedes as I realize the lateness of the hour, and scramble to assume my responsible, adult side again. There's laundry to be folded, dishes to be done, breakfast to be prepped....

And I hope that I get another glimpse of Me again soon.