Trying Not To Stress Out

So there's a remote chance that Hubby will be transferred for work. Very remote. Like 5% chance. (As far as I know) He told me that he would update me when it got to 25%.

I'm not one who embraces change. (Shocking, I know.) It takes me a good 3 years to settle in. Perfect example? We moved from Calgary to Okotoks (which is 11 minutes SOUTH of our old house in Calgary) 3 1/2 years ago. I am JUST feeling like I'm settling in. No word of a lie.

The funny thing is - the place where Hubby would be transferred to is in England. Right around London, to be precise.
Now, we have lived in the UK before, and I'm pretty confident that I can say that it was a sheer, unmitigated FAIL. I ended up with depression and suicidal thoughts, and Hubby ended up with walking pneumonia.
What a great souvenir.
"I lived in England and all I got was walking pneumonia."
Put THAT on a tee shirt, Snorg Tees! I dare you!

Anyways, I digress...
So part of me is excited. I have missed England. I miss waking up to the rain, and I miss the tea (because NOBODY makes tea quite like the Brits). I miss the chocolate. I miss the feeling that everywhere you go is steeped in history. Canada does NOT have history until you get closer to Ontario and Quebec and the Maritime provinces. Alberta. We have buffalo, wealthy native tribes and lots and lots of rocks. Big ones. Shaped like mountains.
I do not miss other things about England. Like the fact that they get zero sunlight. Ever. I swear. They're a nation of vampires or zombies or something. It's indicative that they have to include things like, "There will be a chance of sunny spells later on today in the forecast...". Where we live right now, sun is assumed. Or snow. But you get my point.
I also don't miss the tv programs in England for the most part. There were some stellar ones like, "Rex The Runt" and "Goodness Gracious Me!", and even Coronation Street and EastEnders to a certain degree. I've gotten very ... particular/choosy in what I watch on telly these days, and to be honest, I'm not watching a whole lot. I did watch 2 episodes of "America's Next Top Model" yesterday, and I did watch some "Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson" on YouTube today.

But then that gets me to thinking... Do you really watch tv when you can just stream it over the internet? Are you really THAT far away that you cannot access it via the Intertubes?

The only other thing I would miss is all of our friends that we have here in Okotoks. You know that feeling of running into people you know at the grocery store? I would miss that.

I think our one consolation would be the fact that we wouldn't be transferred alone. Hubby's boss would go as well, and we are quite close with Hubby's boss, his girlfriend and his kids. Like, we would probably purposely move close to them just for a support system. The girlfriend and I get along famously well, which is wonderful. I think she's delightful.

And then I have a girlfriend in England who I went to school with in Toronto who I haven't seen in a good 8 years.
So we wouldn't be ALL alone, but we would need to kind of jump in with both feet to make it our home. (I'd have to join something just to make friends)

So yeah. Just trying not to stress out over the POSSIBILITY of something happening. Maybe is God trying to shake me out of the trap of being hostile to change? I don't know.

And I am missing Facebook more than I thought I would. It seems to come and go.... I won't miss it for ages, and then (like today) I will miss it like mad. :( Oh well... Nine more days and it's alllllll over.

Is Lent Over Yet?

15 days to go before Lent is over.
What a weird time this has been... One of feeling very 'removed' and 'out of touch' with some people.
I must admit, I don't miss some people's Facebook statuses at all.
But other people - like my good friend Alysa and her sister Joy - I miss talking with them.
I was actually texting with Alysa a week or so ago, just telling her about how I think I'm really gonna get a tatt now, and she said something profoundly wise.

"So, it's an outward manifestation of an inner change. Cool. That's deep."

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Maybe this Lenten season was one not unlike when a farmer sows seed in a field - the farmer plants the seeds, and then has to wait for them to germinate and grow.
Maybe this Lenten season has been one of germination in my life. Where God plants new seed in my life/heart/soul, and I get to see it germinate over the next bit of time.
Self acceptance and setting of boundaries is always a good thing. :)

Lent Day #31

I am trying to fight off a major case of the grumps (rather unsuccessfully too, I might add). I don't know WHY I'm as grumpy as I am - I just am.
:(

So I thought I'd self-medicate with an extra large decaf 3 cream 2 sugar coffee from Timmy's. Which means I get to ingest a whopping 12 mg of caffeine. Go me!!!

Let's hope it helps....

Almost At The Halfway Point

Wow. What a wild ride it's been this last week or so.

Hubby's been on an IV antibiotic since Thursday morning, and has been at a hospital 4 times since Friday. I'm so ready for him to get better.

It seems that our oldest son has been having some issues and it's all come to a head at the same time. Talk about stress.

I drove my girls to Pioneer Girls tonight, and I literally had to force myself to drive home. I feel so stressed out that I was starting to cry in the car. I'd love to just drive, drive, drive and get away from all the stress. Chase the sun... Escape to somewhere where the sun shines all day and it's warm and there's green things rather than snow and dead brown-ness.

This Lenten season has NOT been shaping up to be what I thought it would be. I thought it would be a season of renewal, change, growth. Instead so far, it's been a season of breaking and complete paradigm shifts in my thinking and belief systems. (Hello.... Me. Trying to track down a tattoo artist so I can get a tatt. Talk about weird.)

Well, 21 days of Lent down. 25 to go.

Lent Day #12

Ran into a friend at Wal-Mart yesterday, and I gotta say... I miss being on Facebook! I miss the interaction with people, and the jokes, and the comments. I miss it all.

That being said - I was sort of shocked to realize that I am 2 days away from it being 2 weeks since Ash Wednesday! Wow. Where has the time gone??

Lent Day #9

Yes. I admit it. I had to count out how many days we are into Lent on my fingers using iCal.
Shut up. ;)

Well, I gotta say, I'm starting to feel very cut off from society... Very out of the loop. I mentioned this to Hubby and he grinned at me and said, "Isn't it a great feeling?". Granted, he also DEACTIVATED his Facebook account a couple of months ago out of choice, he wasn't convicted to give it up for Lent. I had to disagree with him - I don't like this feeling. I feel like I'm missing out on something, which is funny, because most of the stuff on Facebook is other people's drama. (And I just end up hiding the drama creators anyways.)

Other than that, I have noticed a sense of calmness and peace that I haven't experienced in quite some time. Which is nice.

Well, only 31 more days, right? *groan*

Lent Day #3

Lent Day #3.
I did something today that was pretty far out of my comfort zone. My daughters are in Pioneer Girls and they were having a Mom/Daughter Sleepover & Spa Night. I didn't want to go. Oh, how I didn't want to go. But, because my daughters looked up at me with their happy, shining faces while they drawled out, "Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease Mum, will you goooooooo?????", I relented and went.
I participated in the disgusting making of the skin masques that they get to take home (ewww. Oatmeal, brown sugar, honey, olive oil and vanilla? Uck.), I painted their nails, and I sat through the Spa Treatment of "let's all lay back, put cucumbers and a cool cloth on our foreheads and listen to ladies talk about inner beauty". (Except I sat. I was afraid that if I laid down, I'd cry because of falling on the ice the other day. I STILL hurt from that!)

As I sat and listened I realized that Lent was doing it's job in my heart.
I feel like I don't fit in anywhere.
I don't fit in at church as I'm too much of an Open Theist and not enough of a Calvinist/Armenist, and because I'm too loud, I'm too opinionated, I'm too outspoken.
I don't fit in with other Christian women as I see the majority of them to be boring and repressed women. (At least a lot of the Christian women that are around me are like that!) Let me put it this way - if the Christian women around me were flavours, they'd be a very bland vanilla. Not a French Vanilla with flecks of vanilla bean to jazz them up, they'd be a No Name boring vanilla.

I am not a boring Vanilla kind of girl. Never have been, and never will be.
I like action, I like challenges, and I love thinking and coloring outside of the lines.

So if God is trying to get me to have a period of reflection and to take stock, then I'd say that He was succeeding magnificently. I am. And I don't like what I'm coming up with.

I feel like I am so far removed from the ladies at the one church I used to do a Bible Study at... Like we are kinda on different planets.
I sat there during the Inner Beauty talk, and all I could think was, "I think I should get my tattoo done." Not as a rebellious sort of thing, but more like a "this is who I am, and where I've come from" thing.

I can't see any of those ladies getting a tatt. Heck, the most "daring" lady there was wearing a week little silver toe ring.

So I think Lent is doing it's job. I'm taking stock, I'm reflecting. And I don't necessarily like what I see.

Lent Day #2

I messed up and looked at Facebook today. :(

IN MY DEFENSE... There was a Twitter link to something and I clicked on it and ta-dah! I was on Facebook unintentionally.
And then I compounded it by clicking on my "Pending Friend Requests" and I saw that an old friend of mine who had sworn UP DOWN & SIDEWAYS that she would never join the plebian ranks of those on Facebook had finally joined Facebook. :)
Just in time for me to take a break for Lent. How deliciously ironic.

But, I am getting school work done. My house is marginally better than it was, although I fear that all day tomorrow I'll be cleaning. Without children as they are all at school for Fantastic Friday. (I think they call it that because all the moms are walking away from Kindergarten going, "Fantastic!!! A WHOLE day to myself!")

Thought I'd document the slip up.
It's been harder than I thought it would be to cut out Facebook. I was/am so dependent on it for socialization. Makes me feel all lonely and alone not being on there.

:(

The Lenten Season

Sometimes it truly sucks to be able to discern the voice of the Lord.
Like, it totally sucks.

I have had it on my heart since about January to observe the Lenten season this year. And Lord knows I've tried to shake it off... But it keeps getting impressed upon my heart to observe it.

And no. I am not Catholic in any way, shape or form.

I'm what you would call a Christian. I am not too weird (at least to my brain I'm not weird), and I know some hymns. Don't remember the last time I sang hymns at church, but I know some at least.

So. Yes. Lent.

A period of reflection where you purposely die to self in order that you may gain spiritual riches.
A period of time where we give up trifling things in remembrance of the not-so-trifling things that Jesus gave up for us.
A period of 40 days where we spiritually echo Jesus' 40 days in the desert after being tempted by Satan.

And guess what God wants me to give up this year.

Facebook.

When I told my darling hubby what I was feeling the Lord tell me, he just laughed and laughed. Then he said, "Usually, if giving up one particular thing is what you're least wanting to do, then that's exactly what you should be doing. (but you knew that =P)"

Darn. Why is he SO right all the time ?????

So this is my journey of self-denial. I don't really have any high hopes for what God's going to say to me during this time. I'm not going to be all mystic-y or anything... I'm hoping that I can burn through my school course in the next 40 days and get that bad boy accomplished and DONE. It feels so good to put a little check mark next to a course....

Lent.

Sometimes to get a greater appreciation for a thing, it is good to take a break from it so that you rediscover it's beauty, magnificence and the value that it adds to your life.