Well, this has been one of the strangest periods of my life, I swear. (And I've been thru lots of weird stuff so I believe myself to be a bit of an expert on this...)
I just really feel bothered for a lack of a better term with my role in life. Don't get me wrong..... I love who I am, I love what I do. I am a damn good mum and a kick-ass wife. I"m not talking about that sort of role though.
I'm talking about my role - my purpose, my passion - what I do to eternally impact others around me in a way for Jesus.
Ever since my last post when I was so devastatingly pruned by the Lord, I've felt so empty. So barren. So fruitless.
And I guess I'm coming ot the cold hard truth of the matter which is - I don't want to be that way. I want to be a fruitful, productive person. I want to be caring, loving, compassionate. I want to move into what the Lord has for me. I want to live out my dreams. (Aaaaaaannnnndddd, she lived happilyeverafter. The end.)

Now, don't laugh, but deep down inside, I've always wanted to write big thick books. I love books. I ADORE books. I love the power of the written word to move you, to inspire you, to move you to tears, to jostle you towards something.
As I got older and discovered that no, not everyone dreams of being a writer, and that there really are very few writers actually out there that make a decent living from their pens (or computers, as it turns out...) I thought I'd reduce my dream just ever-so-slightly, just to make it attainable. I would become a librarian. *cue trumpet fanfare* Yeah. Good luck on finding out info on how to get that degree from University! I've been searching for quite some time!

I guess what I brought that up for is this.... I was doing my bible study homework tonight, and the theme of this week is "I Am Who God Says I Am.". Interesting topic, right???? Yeah - well, who DOES God say that I am? Am I just a mother? A wife? A laundress? A cook? A friend? A person who works in the Nursery at church? A Christian?
Why do all my hopes and dreams keep on coming full circle to writing? And why is God forcing me out of the cocoon of my house so that I have to deal with and open up to people? (It so scares me! The potential for rejection is massive!) I don't want to open up to people. Emotions are messy things, not easily explainable. Not easily forgotten. Not easily mourned. Exhausting.

So see my conundrum? I feel pulled to writing, but it feels like God is sticking me in a community and is expecting me to share, to open up. I don't like it!!! People don't believe me when I say that I'm an introvert..... They are fooled by my out-going mask that I've gotten oh-so-good at wearing. I hate dealing with emotions. I hate talking about feelings. I'd rather be at home, by myself, than be out at a party. I'd rather be at the dentist than be at a party.
I guess I'm not sure where this post is headed - I feel that it's very disjointed and all over the place. I'm pulled with complete longing to one side, of quiet, of solitude. But I feel prodded towards the other side - of the messiness that can sometimes be human relationship, of noisiness, of laughter, of community.
I do want so badly to be on the quiet side, but I sense not yet. (Which makes me sad)

Oh God....... Show me which way to go. Give me the courage to follow your leading, for I lack it. Give me the desire to obey. Please don't let it hurt too much......