I feel so much better now....

Wow..........


It's amazing what a deadline met can make you feel like.

I feel so amazingly competent. I feel so proud of myself. With God and my hubby's help - we did it. We got the house ready for listing today.
I almost feel like leaping up in the air and cheering loudly (except my feet hurt, so I'll take a raincheck on the leaping part). I feel like a conqueror. I conquered my house, and I WON!!!!!

When the realtor came to take the photos for the MLS service, she commented that the house looked AMAZING and that it would show so well. I really felt that I've done all that I can do - now it's all in God's hands. I've done everything He's asked me to do to the best of my ability..... Now is the time that He needs to "kiss" the work that I've done.... IN other words, He needs to bless it. Goodness knows I've prayed enough for this house and the new owners!!!

Now that the "craziness" is over, I can concentrate on vacationing. You have NO idea how much I am looking forward to sitting in one spot and reading a good book. (I know, it prolly won't happen because I have 4 kids including 1 trouble prone toddler, but I can have my fantasies, can't I??)

Now that the craziness is over, my hubby and I can hopefully stop fighting.
I hate fighting.
Unfortch, with all the work and reno's that we've had to do in the last month and a half, it seems like we were both snippy and argumentative with each other. I know I was/am not perfect, and I know that under stress I can morph into an Uber-standoffish-beeyotch. I'm not excusing my behaviour at all. I guess I'm not looking forward to "talking" with hubby.
I think I am the ONLY female on the planet that hates talking about how she feels. (Hence the blog! *Grin*) I always end up crying and being really quiet when it comes to feelings, and it seems that my hubby gets really irritated/annoyed/fed up with me crying and being quiet.
I can't tell you how often he's yelled at me that "I'm not a freaking mind reader, Cindy!! You gotta tell me!!".

The thing is, I *think* I tell him, and in my world (on Happy Cindy Planet) it is telling. But in "Hubbyland" I'm not telling him.

*sigh*

And we had it out about sex the other night. Apparently, 3 times that I tried to initiate sex, he didn't even realize what I was attempting to do.
(I"ve also tried since then, FYI, and both times were a no-go. I can understand that..... The last thing I want at the end of an exhausting day is to fool around. Fair enough. )

Why does sex have to be such a sticky area? Why is it a stumbling area for so many couples?
I know some couples that have strict outlines for sex - no morning sex, no quickies while the kids are awake, spitting no swallowing, no toys...... Yada, yada, yada.
It seems like after 9 years of marriage, we need to rediscover what it right for us at this stage in our marriage. I'm tired of being compared to other couples and their sex lives..... We're us. We aren't anyone else, and no one else is in our marriage. Therefore, we cater to our needs and wants.

And I know this is horrible to say, but right now I am just not in a sex space. I think it's because I am just so tired and spent.
I actually fantasized the other day about being sedated at the hospital for a good week to recuperate. LOL!!!! As long as I have an IV in my arm, and a catheter, I am good to go! (I'd prolly even lose weight that way, too! LOL)

C.

Ooooohhhhhhhhh, FREAK OUT!

Well, the papers are signed. Our house is up for sale as of Thursday. Can we say, "Aaaahhh!!!!"?

I am freaking out. I totally am. God is going to have to do a massive miracle.
I've already been praying for the family that is going to buy our current house, and I think I've actually been travailing in prayer for them. Just lots of prayers, all around.
God, please help sell our house QUICKLY!!!! (Within a week is great!)

So with that all said, I've been busier than a 1 armed paper hanger in a tornado. Paint paint here, clean clean there, here a sweep, there a vac, everywhere a tidy, tidy,
Cindy had a house to sell, e-i-e-i-ooooooooo!

*Cindy slams her head down and longs for sleep*

G'night.

Mutterings...

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Danger, Danger Will Robinson!!!

I am overwhelmed, over tired, over sensitive and fighting with my hubby.
That's all I'm going to put, because I'm a little too mad to journal right now.

I think I'll go implode now.....

Destroy It Yourself.... (DIY)

Oh. My. Lord.
Can we say "tired"? I am dragging my poor ass today because I am tired.
I managed to strip the carpet and underlay (and ALL those staples!) off of the stairs as well as pulled all the staples out of the main floor. I emptied out the utility closet and the bottom of the pantry, and the shoe closet in preparation for the floor guys coming today.
I started it at 9 pm, after I put the kids to bed, and worked STEADILY until 12:30 at night. (Plus, I did dishes by hand too)
I only ripped off part of a knuckle and stabbed myself about 4 times with the staples (which is pretty good in my world!).
But, ripping carpet off is a lot of fun. I gotta admit, it is fun in a sick, sort of destructive way.

So, one more day of the install guys being here, and then I can get my house back. To normal (just with really pretty floors!) - with furniture and EVERYTHING! I am so excited!!!

I was pretty bummed out though - I found out today that our neighbors are putting their house up for sale the same week we are - they are our direct competition!!! I'm so bummed - they have a great back yard, and it's very nice. Granted they have 1/2 the main floor space that we have, but I feel that our backyard isn't as nice as theirs, as well as they have a great deck. We don't. :(
But everytime that I start to stress out about it, I feel God telling me to chill out - that He already has the family picked out for our house, and to leave it in His capable Hands. If I'm trusting God to find us a great house, wouldn't I also trust Him to find us the right buyer for the right price at the right time???
So that's kind of what I'm struggling with - just following through on trusting God. It seems that initially I "talk a good talk" about trusting and faith, but I seem to not finish strongly. Is this what God is attempting to accomplish?
I hope I can learn this time......

Well, only about 45 minutes before I can put the kids to bed, then I'll do some minor cleaning and glue some stuff together, and hit the hay myself.
I had a bad sleep last night - we had a thunderstorm last night, and I was PETRIFIED!
I'm actually sort of embarrassed to admit it, but I was so scared! I'll be amazed if my hubby doesn't have small bruises on his arm - I was clutching it so tightly!
So, I didn't get very much sleep. I fell asleep at about 2-ish, woke up at 5 for the storm, and was up for the day at 7 something.
Ugh.
I love bed.

Well, fuck.....

I was just informed that my hubby might have to go away for business next week. When we are getting ready to put our house up on the market.

I'll give you three guesses as to how pleased I am.

*frowny face*

Yeah - so not pleased.

And, on a possible TMI side note - why oh why does God hook us up with partners that have differing sex drives???? Seriously - I am frustrated (in more ways than one) with this.
Honestly, I could have sex at least 1x a day. Maybe even 2x. (My record is 4x a day. Hubby wasn't so happy.)
We do go in waves though, where sometimes we go like rabbits, and then there's a 2 week dry spell. I've noticed that the longer we go without sex, the less I want it. If I'm getting it everyday, I'm giving a teen boy a run for the "Horniest Thoughts" crown. (I can't believe I just wrote that, but seeing that I promised to be honest and UNCENSORED on my blog, I'm not going to erase it!)

So, in a nutshell, I'm a little stressed out, I've got carpets to rip up, a main floor to empty, children to feed...... I'm tired already. Can I just go to bed now??? Please? Pretty please???

A quickie....

Sorry - this is going to be short. I have to run and go grab the older 3 in a few minutes, so I don't really have tons of time.
My hubby and I had a fight yesterday. I hate fights. Basically the fight was over us not communicating well. I mentioned a bunch of vacation ideas, and by him either correcting me, or challenging me, I perceived that as my ideas were either not good, or too expensive. (If you're going to challenge me, I'll just shut up. I'm not into someone constantly challenging me - it tells me that you don't want to listen to what I have to say.)
Sorry. I guess I'm still more angry than I thought. I was LIVID last night! So, I went out to the Library (my fave place!), I grabbed a Frosty at Wendy's (threw out 60% of it), grabbed my hubby a drink from Starbucks, then swang home, changed my clothes, and went to the dog park with my dog and my sister and her dog. I needed it. It was really nice.
Tonight is the Crunch night where we have to move all the furniture and rip up all the carpets. Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!! I'm not looking forward to this! I'll be happy when it's all over, but the process is not so nice!
Check you later!

Sunday.....

What a day.
I had a baby shower to go to today for my younger sister. Have I ever informed you that I DETEST baby showers? Well, I do. I detest them so much that I would rather get a root canal. Or a Pap test. Really. That bad.
Then we went off to church. I enjoy church a lot - I have friends there, so it's nice to go and reconnect with people who like me.
But, a lady who was supposed to be in the nursery totally bailed on us, and I ended up covering her shift for her. Normally, this wouldn't bother me at all - I would just be helpful and leave it at that.
But this particular lady is BY FAR the most selfish, self centered, self involved, self righteous and priggish woman I've ever met. It's hard, because she is married to my hubby's best friend. So I have to be nice to her, even though I don't want to. I do not want that sort of personality influence in my life.... Why would I want to hang out with her???
It's hard because of who she is married to, and I like her hubby a lot (in the way that you like a brother - they are kind of an institution. My kids call him "Uncle" for heaven's sake! LOL).

Also, I just read a friend's blog, and now I understand why I was praying for him and his wife so much. My heart aches for him, and I wish I could wave a magic wand and instantly make everything better (like the moving wish! LOL). Alas, I can't. So I guess I keep on praying.

I know it's a short post tonight - I totally wrecked my wrists when my hubby and I were in bed. You know what though - it was totally worth it. Sometimes it's nice to be on top and in control. Bit of a different experience!
G'night!

Now I've reached the "Pulling Out My Hair" stage of the month...

Okay. I think I'm overwhelmed now.

My hubby and I had a great talk this morning about all the things that are going on with us as a couple, and I must admit, I do feel a bit better in regards to his desire to change careers.
Now that I can see that it is 6-12 months off, I'm not freaking so bad. I've decided not to borrow worry from tomorrow - I'll cross that bridge when we get there.

I was standing in my house today, looking at ALL that needs to be done still. (I don't want to list everything - I'll get depressed.) But, I'll keep on tackling it all one job at a time, and do my best.
Really, that's all I can ask of myself.

But another odd thing happened last night..... An old boyfriend that I deeply regret dating recently got back in touch with me on Facebook. Very odd, very blechhy, somewhat gross.
Supposedly he's married now, and has a daughter. He's living in Winnipeg. (Thank God for small mercies!)
It just dredges all sorts of emotions up. I've "found" my 2 other boyfriends on Facebook, and I am SOOOOOOO grateful that I didn't marry them and that I didn't even kiss them! (Now I sort of do the shudder-with-revulsion dance whenever I think of those 3 guys..... Not because they were gross, but because I wasn't even supposed to be dating them, and I KNEW it!)
I'm glad that he is happy and has moved on with his life (because I certainly have!). And, underneath the regret that I have for even being in a relationship that was so not supposed to be, I do wish him all the best.


Part of me just wants to sit down, have a good old cry and drink a big bottle of wine all in one chug. I know that alcohol won't fix anything, but I'd still like to have something alcoholic to drink. (Which is really humorous because I MAYBE have 7 drinks in a year! I just don't normally drink!)

But I did notice last night while I was watching telly that I've started to pull out hair. I'm not sure if it's due to stress, but I do think I need to stop. Otherwise, I'll end up bald!!! LOL

Hot, Hot Heat.....

What a day. It's like a bazillion degrees outside (okay, 31.... Don't be so nit-picky!) and I am ready to die of heat.
I had to get ready for the carpet cleaners today. I cleared out the entire top level of our house and stuck it all into the bathrooms AND vacuumed within 45 minutes. And, I am quite disgusted to admit that I was dripping sweat by the time I was done. Ewwwwwww. So not nice.

I am so ready for this all to be over. I just want the house SOLD, a new house bought, all the stuff moved with a flick of my magic wand and for us to be settled into our new perfect house that God has for us (but hasn't told us about yet). This whole living by faith shit really blows. I'm so tired of trusting, of hoping, of CHOOSING to believe God and what He has said. I want to say "Aaaaaannnddd, CUE God on the white horse to go save Cindy.... NOW!!!". All I hear back is "Not yet, Cindy, not yet...."
It makes me want to stamp my feet and scream in frustration like my toddler does.
I want what I want WHEN I want it! (Which, in case you are confused, is now!)

And then my husband tells me that he wants to change careers. Which, okay, right in the middle of getting ready to move?? Really???
But, what is really baking my noodle is the fact that he doesn't want to change careers within the company that he already works at..... He wants to go into law enforcement. (Read: he wants to carry a gun and deal with bad guys all day long.)
Am I happy about this? Hell, no!!!! Unlike other wives out there, I actually DO like my hubby. I like him so much that I actually want him around when we are old enough to retire and move to a little house somewhere in the wilds of Scotland. I don't want him hurt. I don't want to have to deal with the possibility that every time he walks out the door to go to work that he *might* not come back home.
Do I feel comfy with this? Ummm, NO! Of course I don't feel at ease with this..... It's damn scary! It's big! It's an alien world to me! I know exactly 2 guys and 1 lady that are on the force, and I only know the guys somewhat well. Aaaaaahhhh!

Also, I know that I can "deal" with my hubby being in law enforcement. I know I can do it. I've dealt with being a single parent with 4 kids - 1 of them being a newborn. I can do it all by myself. I know I am very capable of doing it. But I notice when I am forced to deal with hard situations like that and I am forced to rely on myself like that, I do not like the person that I morph into. I become hard, brittle, perpetually angry and NO FUN. In short, I become my mother. (Which is a BAD THING) I don't want to turn into one of those stereotypical law enforcement wives who are all mean and bitchy. Do you know what I mean??

I just feel that this is a lot of change all at once. A lot of change. And guess what???? I don't do so well with change!

So, in a lot of ways, I feel like the heat is being turned up on my life, up on my circumstances, on my very FAMILY. Hot hot heat, indeed!

Details, details.....

I was thinking this morning while I was in the shower..... Maybe I should explain why I've chosen the name Thistlethoughts for my blog.
Well, to be honest, I couldn't really think of a whole heck of a lot (Man, Google puts you on the spot like that, don't they??). Plus, I wanted something that didn't refer to me - the mum. Or me, the wife. Or me, the housekeeper. Or me, the daughter. Or me, the sister.
Just plain old me.
Something that has meaning to me. Not to any of the "hats" that I wear on a daily basis.
So I thought of a thistle. A Scottish thistle to be precise. I feel like a thistle at times....
Hardy, resilient. Persistent. Sometimes unwanted. Sometimes celebrated. (I don't know when it would be celebrated, but go with me here....)
Also, I come from a truly Canadian family - my dad was 1/2 Scottish and 1/2 Irish descent. My mom is pretty much Polish and other assorted things (don't quite know exactly).
I grew up with the last name of Robertson. Scottish.
I am prickly, and difficult at times. Thistle.

That's why I went with Thistlethoughts. Also, if I ever got a tattoo, I'd get a Scottish Thistle.

I just didn't want to be stuck in this category of "Oh, she's married and a mum, so a parenting journal!". No way. This is more than just a parenting journal. Actually, I would be surprised if I said a lot about my kids. (Not because I don't love them - I do. Ditto for my hubby.)
This is for me. Me, the adult. Me, the person who is interested in music and books, and enjoys cooking.

That's who I am. A person. A woman.

Opening post...

What an intimidating thing...... To sit down and type my thoughts out as they come. Uncensored. Raw. Vulnerable. No nicey-nice - just pure me.
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh!


I've felt the urge, the compulsion to sit down and WRITE for a while now.
It's like a lightbulb went off in my head....... No one needs to tell me to write, or to give me the permission to write. If it's in my soul, I need to do it for me. Audience be damned! *grin*

So, some of this might be random musings, some may be poetry (even though it's been YEARS since I wrote poetry!!!), and some may be little stories or things that I am facing in my life. Who knows where this road will take me.
I do know that I may not share this with others. Right now, I have a feeling that it's just for me.
Like a journal, but online where my kids can't scribble on the pages! :)

May the freedom that I seek, that I crave, come through this cyber scribbling.
May my thoughts be cohesive and complete.
May I be truthful in all things, no matter the situation I face.

<3
C.