Hot, Hot Heat.....

What a day. It's like a bazillion degrees outside (okay, 31.... Don't be so nit-picky!) and I am ready to die of heat.
I had to get ready for the carpet cleaners today. I cleared out the entire top level of our house and stuck it all into the bathrooms AND vacuumed within 45 minutes. And, I am quite disgusted to admit that I was dripping sweat by the time I was done. Ewwwwwww. So not nice.

I am so ready for this all to be over. I just want the house SOLD, a new house bought, all the stuff moved with a flick of my magic wand and for us to be settled into our new perfect house that God has for us (but hasn't told us about yet). This whole living by faith shit really blows. I'm so tired of trusting, of hoping, of CHOOSING to believe God and what He has said. I want to say "Aaaaaannnddd, CUE God on the white horse to go save Cindy.... NOW!!!". All I hear back is "Not yet, Cindy, not yet...."
It makes me want to stamp my feet and scream in frustration like my toddler does.
I want what I want WHEN I want it! (Which, in case you are confused, is now!)

And then my husband tells me that he wants to change careers. Which, okay, right in the middle of getting ready to move?? Really???
But, what is really baking my noodle is the fact that he doesn't want to change careers within the company that he already works at..... He wants to go into law enforcement. (Read: he wants to carry a gun and deal with bad guys all day long.)
Am I happy about this? Hell, no!!!! Unlike other wives out there, I actually DO like my hubby. I like him so much that I actually want him around when we are old enough to retire and move to a little house somewhere in the wilds of Scotland. I don't want him hurt. I don't want to have to deal with the possibility that every time he walks out the door to go to work that he *might* not come back home.
Do I feel comfy with this? Ummm, NO! Of course I don't feel at ease with this..... It's damn scary! It's big! It's an alien world to me! I know exactly 2 guys and 1 lady that are on the force, and I only know the guys somewhat well. Aaaaaahhhh!

Also, I know that I can "deal" with my hubby being in law enforcement. I know I can do it. I've dealt with being a single parent with 4 kids - 1 of them being a newborn. I can do it all by myself. I know I am very capable of doing it. But I notice when I am forced to deal with hard situations like that and I am forced to rely on myself like that, I do not like the person that I morph into. I become hard, brittle, perpetually angry and NO FUN. In short, I become my mother. (Which is a BAD THING) I don't want to turn into one of those stereotypical law enforcement wives who are all mean and bitchy. Do you know what I mean??

I just feel that this is a lot of change all at once. A lot of change. And guess what???? I don't do so well with change!

So, in a lot of ways, I feel like the heat is being turned up on my life, up on my circumstances, on my very FAMILY. Hot hot heat, indeed!