Lucky me.
My kids have had this entire past week off school. We had 2 days of Teacher's Convention and 2 "In Lieu" days and 1 why-the-heck-don't-we-just-give-them-this-day-off-too day off.
I gotta say...... I didn't think I'd be one of those parents that ends up not liking their kids home on holidays, but having my kids all home is hard!!!! They bicker, they argue, they yell, they fight.... And this is all before Sesame Street is on at 8 am. *sigh*
So I managed to kick them out to go play at the park behind our house today. The littlest one was asleep (praise Jesus) so I had 1 hour of peace and quiet. (Of course, I cleaned up the mess they made while making Jello and Trail Mix Cookies) It was blissful.
Other than that, nothing's really shaking 'round here. It's been wonderfully nice outside with the weather lately. At the bottom of our driveway is a massive puddle that I can just tell is going to turn into Tait Lake in the real springtime. Boy oh boy.... my kids are going to like that. (Okay, me too.... But I think I need a pair of galoshes)
I've really come to a place where I don't honestly KNOW what God wants me to do (remember He kept on bringing up grace to me?). I really don't It's like God is staying silent on it.... But I am being obedient and am submitting to His will for me. (I hate blindly submitting - I always want to know the reasons behind it all) But I feel a great measure of peace in regards to the submission thing. I just wish I knew what the heck it is/was that God is doing in me.
I figure that I'll figure it out sooner or later.
It's interesting, though. Hubby had lunch today with someone we know from our church, and (bear in mind that I've only talked with Hubby for 5 minutes today on the phone all day (and it's almost 11 at night right now)) Hubby kind of TOLD me that we are resuming our normal activities in regards to the church. There is a part of me that just rankles when I am told what to do. (Just had to be honest and uncensored...) Is there anyone who gleefully skips around saying "Whee!!! Yippee! You're going to tell me what to do, and I get to blindly obey it! Oh, happy day!".
Honestly, I don't think so. I think most people cop an attitude, get a massive chip on their shoulders and say in their heads "Who the hell do you think YOU are telling ME what to do?". (Right??? Please tell me I'm not alone in this observation......!)
Granted, I've gotten LOTS better than I used to be. I used to be Miss Independent (which is funny, because just before I got married, I had Carpal Tunnel and I couldn't even brush my teeth normally, or open doorknobs, or butter my toast or cut up my meat. I even had to get Then-Boyfriend to button up my jeans for me! Thank goodness he married me! That would have been awkward to explain to Future Hubby!). I thought that I had improved in the attitude of my heart in that (not so small) matter of submission.Apparently I still have a ways to go yet.
But, on the plus side - at least I don't throw up in my mouth anymore when I say "submission"!
I'm not too sure about how I feel just jumping right back into the church that we were going to..... At the end of the day, I am not following the pastors, I am following the Lord. Sometimes, they are one and the same, and other times they are football fields apart...... Part of me wants to ease back in, ever-so-gently.... ever-so-slowly so I don't create so much as a ripple. And yet, part of me thinks my Hubby is going to cannonball into the deep end. (And in doing so, drags me in with him)
I guess what I'm sort of struggling with, is the person whom I've come to notice some undesirable character traits in, is apparently taking over the Children's Church once a month. I have 4 kids in that. If he feels no hesitation in displaying these character traits in front of adults - what is it going to look like in front of children???? I know, to the very core of my being, that I am responsible, before God as to what I allow my children to be influenced by in their formative years.
Does this mean that I look like a complete and utter jackass and say "When he is in Children's Church, my kids are not allowed under his sphere of influence?" (Because that just looks like I have a giant grudge! Which I don't. I'm assuming the worst behavior out of him, and I hope to God that he proves me wrong) I guess I just am not sure as to what to do about this.
Hubby doesn't feel the same way as I do about it..... which is fine. I understand that he's different than I am, and he sees things different ways.
Normally, he is a black and white kind of guy, and I am all about the grey areas... But in this, I see only black and white. No inbetween-y bits.
Lord, give me wisdom. Give me knowledge. Give me understanding. Tell me what's going on! Direct my paths.... and please make them straight. Dear Lord, make them straight. I can't handle anymore curves or hairpin turns.
Open the eyes of my heart, Lord. Open my ears to hear you. Rain your Holy Spirit down upon me..... Refresh me. Water my spirit. Create in me a clean heart, Oh Lord. And renew a right spirit within me.
Amen.
C.
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